Add blog via Astro content collections
Introduce blog support: content collection schema, listing and post routes, and a sample Markdown post. Update docs and TODO; add blog assets dir and adjust color variables in docs. Also set absolute_redirect off in nginx.conf for container routing.
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---
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title: "Love Without Access"
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date: 2026-03-01
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description: "A reflection on a first love — what it meant, what it cost, and why distance was the most loving thing left."
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---
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*by LATTE*
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There was a time when I thought love was mostly about intensity.
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Waking up next to someone and feeling like the world aligned.
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Skin against skin.
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Breathing in sync.
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Power and surrender that were, underneath it all, just different shapes of trust.
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This isn't a story about blame.
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And it's not a story about anger.
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It's a story about something that stayed real…
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even after it stopped being reachable.
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---
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## How It Began
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We were friends first.
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Maybe that's what made it so deep. It didn't explode into existence — it grew. Slowly. Safely.
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From gaming together to talking for hours.
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From talking to tension.
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From tension to touch.
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And then, somehow, we became a home.
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Not the perfect kind.
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Not the easy kind.
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But the kind your body recognizes.
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---
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## What We Were
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From the outside, we looked like a relationship.
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On the inside, we were a system of trust.
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I was the one who brought structure.
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Who checked in.
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Who asked, "Are you still okay?"
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Who carried responsibility for safety.
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What some people would call dominance
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was, for me, care.
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And for him, surrender wasn't weakness.
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It was relief.
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But what I only understood later was this:
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Closeness regulated me.
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Distance regulated him.
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And that difference doesn't show up at the start.
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You only feel it when life gets heavy and love gets real.
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---
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## The Fracture
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There wasn't an explosion. No dramatic collapse.
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There was fatigue.
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Doubt.
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Silence.
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"I don't feel it anymore."
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And something in me went very quiet — and very loud — at the same time.
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Because I could still feel myself holding on.
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And carrying someone who no longer carries back
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exhausts you in a way no one sees.
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---
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## The After That Kept Me Stuck
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What made it hardest wasn't just the ending.
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It was the ambiguity after.
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Still sleeping next to each other.
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Still laughing.
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Still touching.
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But no longer together.
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A body that says yes.
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Words that say no.
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That contradiction doesn't just hurt emotionally — it destabilizes you.
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Hope becomes a reflex.
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And every time hope collapses, you fracture a little with it.
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I tried to understand. I tried to fix.
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I thought if I could articulate my love clearly enough, we could find safety again.
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But love is not code you can debug
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when one of you has already logged out.
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---
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## The Part Where Safety Changed
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And then there was the part people don't like to talk about:
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When something private stops being safe.
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When the inner room gets opened.
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I'm not writing this to accuse you.
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I'm writing this because it matters.
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Because trust isn't just "did you mean well."
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Trust is "did I feel protected."
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And after a certain point, I didn't.
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That's when I understood something important:
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Even love needs a locked door
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when the inside of you keeps getting exposed.
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---
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## What It Did to Me
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There were days my body shook.
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Days where seeing your name online
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made my chest tighten.
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Where I felt cold,
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then numb,
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then flooded.
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I don't write that for drama.
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I write it because endings are not abstract.
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When attachment breaks,
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the body reacts.
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I wasn't weak.
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I was grieving a nervous system bond.
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And at some point, I understood something else:
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Loving you was real.
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But staying in reach of you
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was slowly undoing me.
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So I chose distance.
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Not because I stopped loving you.
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But because I had to protect myself.
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No access wasn't punishment.
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It was survival.
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---
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## What I Understand Now
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Some people are not cruel.
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Not cold.
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Not heartless.
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They're overwhelmed.
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And when overwhelm becomes someone's default response to emotional depth,
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distance becomes their survival strategy.
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For a long time, I wondered if I was "too much."
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Too intense. Too deep. Too present.
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Now I know:
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I wasn't too much.
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We were mismatched in emotional capacity.
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I wanted co-regulation.
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He needed self-regulation.
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That's not villain and victim.
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That's architecture.
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---
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## On Being Replaced
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Yes — he found someone new quickly.
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That hurt.
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Not because he doesn't deserve happiness.
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But because what we had felt quiet and private,
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and what came after looked public and bright.
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I questioned whether I was replaceable.
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Whether I had simply been a phase.
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But love isn't a competition.
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What we had lasted years.
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It was layered. It was real.
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It mattered.
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Something ending does not mean it was nothing.
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---
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## For You
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If you ever read this —
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I want you to know that what we had was real to me.
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Not experimental. Not temporary. Not a placeholder.
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Real.
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You weren't just someone I loved.
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You were my first love.
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My first true one.
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The first person I chose fully.
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The first person I built a life around.
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The first person I learned love with.
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We were figuring things out together.
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Trying. Failing. Adjusting.
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Discovering what intimacy meant.
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Discovering what we meant.
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You weren't just someone who entered my life —
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you were part of my becoming.
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That matters.
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Not in a way that traps either of us.
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But in a way that leaves a mark.
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And I need to say this clearly:
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I was never angry at you.
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Not truly. Not even in the hardest moments.
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I was hurt.
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I was overwhelmed.
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I was trying to hold something I didn't yet know how to let go of.
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But even then, I wasn't against you.
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I saw you as someone struggling — not someone malicious.
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There were moments when you softened completely with me.
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Moments where you rested your full weight without guarding yourself.
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Those moments were real.
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You were there.
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You chose me then.
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And I don't erase that.
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Here is the honest truth:
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The love didn't vanish.
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Access did.
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And choosing no access
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was the hardest loving decision I've ever made.
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Because access requires safety.
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And safety requires consistency.
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And consistency requires a kind of staying that you couldn't give.
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So no, I'm not angry that you couldn't stay.
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I still love you.
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The love I had doesn't disappear just because access is gone.
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It changes shape.
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It becomes quieter.
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It becomes something I carry instead of something I reach for.
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And yes — I'm going to be a little playful about it:
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You're on my website. Do you get that?
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Not as a spectacle.
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Not as a wound.
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As a chapter.
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I don't delete chapters.
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I archive them properly.
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You were my first true love.
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The first person I learned how to love with.
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That doesn't give you access anymore.
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But it does give you permanence.
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That love still exists.
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It just no longer has a door.
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---
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## For Me
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I'm still learning.
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That giving doesn't have to be my identity.
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That caring doesn't mean abandoning myself.
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That intensity isn't a flaw.
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I don't need to shrink
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to be worthy of being held.
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The wolf in me was never meant to become smaller.
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Only to find the right pack.
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— LATTE
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@@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
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import { z, defineCollection } from 'astro:content';
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const blog = defineCollection({
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type: 'content',
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schema: z.object({
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title: z.string(),
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date: z.coerce.date(),
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description: z.string(),
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draft: z.boolean().optional().default(false),
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}),
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});
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export const collections = { blog };
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@@ -0,0 +1,280 @@
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---
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import BaseLayout from "../../layouts/BaseLayout.astro";
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import { getCollection } from "astro:content";
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export async function getStaticPaths() {
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const posts = await getCollection("blog", ({ data }) => !data.draft);
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return posts.map((post) => ({
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params: { slug: post.slug },
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props: { post },
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}));
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}
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const { post } = Astro.props;
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const { Content } = await post.render();
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function formatDate(date: Date) {
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return date.toISOString().split("T")[0];
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}
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---
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<BaseLayout
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title={`${post.data.title} — Hidden Den Cafe`}
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description={post.data.description}
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>
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<div class="matrix-bg" aria-hidden="true"></div>
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<main class="main">
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<div class="container">
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<header class="header fade-in">
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<p class="back"><a href="/blog">← back to blog</a></p>
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<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
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<h1 class="title">{post.data.title}</h1>
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<p class="date">{formatDate(post.data.date)}</p>
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<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
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</header>
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<article class="content fade-in">
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<Content />
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</article>
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<footer class="footer fade-in">
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<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
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<p>Made with love by Latte</p>
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</footer>
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</div>
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</main>
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</BaseLayout>
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<style>
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.matrix-bg {
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position: fixed;
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top: 0;
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left: 0;
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width: 100%;
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height: 100%;
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z-index: -1;
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opacity: 0.03;
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background:
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linear-gradient(var(--color-accent) 1px, transparent 1px),
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linear-gradient(90deg, var(--color-accent) 1px, transparent 1px);
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background-size: 50px 50px;
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animation: grid-move 20s linear infinite;
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}
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@keyframes grid-move {
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0% { transform: translate(0, 0); }
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100% { transform: translate(50px, 50px); }
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}
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.main {
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min-height: 100vh;
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display: flex;
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align-items: center;
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justify-content: center;
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padding: var(--space-lg) var(--space-md);
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}
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.container {
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max-width: 700px;
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width: 100%;
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background: rgba(30, 30, 46, 0.8);
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backdrop-filter: blur(10px);
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border: 1px solid var(--color-surface);
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border-radius: 8px;
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padding: var(--space-xl);
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}
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.header {
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margin-bottom: var(--space-lg);
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}
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.back {
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margin-bottom: var(--space-sm);
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font-size: 0.85rem;
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}
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.back a {
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color: var(--color-text-dim);
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}
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.back a:hover {
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color: var(--color-accent);
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}
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.divider {
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color: var(--color-surface);
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text-align: center;
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font-size: 0.75rem;
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margin: var(--space-md) 0;
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user-select: none;
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}
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.title {
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font-size: 1.6rem;
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font-weight: 700;
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letter-spacing: 1px;
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margin-bottom: var(--space-xs);
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}
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.date {
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color: var(--color-text-dim);
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font-size: 0.85rem;
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}
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/* Prose styles for markdown content */
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.content {
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color: var(--color-text);
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line-height: 1.8;
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}
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.content :global(h2) {
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font-size: 1.1rem;
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text-transform: uppercase;
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letter-spacing: 2px;
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color: var(--color-accent);
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margin: var(--space-lg) 0 var(--space-sm);
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}
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.content :global(h3) {
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font-size: 1rem;
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color: var(--color-accent-bright);
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margin: var(--space-md) 0 var(--space-xs);
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}
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.content :global(p) {
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margin-bottom: var(--space-md);
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color: var(--color-text-dim);
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}
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.content :global(a) {
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||||
color: var(--color-blue);
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}
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.content :global(a:hover) {
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color: var(--color-accent-bright);
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||||
}
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.content :global(code) {
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||||
font-family: inherit;
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||||
background: var(--color-bg);
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||||
padding: 2px 6px;
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||||
border-radius: 4px;
|
||||
font-size: 0.85em;
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||||
color: var(--color-green);
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||||
}
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||||
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.content :global(pre) {
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||||
background: var(--color-bg);
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||||
border: 1px solid var(--color-surface);
|
||||
border-radius: 6px;
|
||||
padding: var(--space-md);
|
||||
overflow-x: auto;
|
||||
margin-bottom: var(--space-md);
|
||||
}
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||||
|
||||
.content :global(pre code) {
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||||
background: none;
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||||
padding: 0;
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||||
font-size: 0.85rem;
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||||
}
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||||
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||||
.content :global(ul),
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.content :global(ol) {
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||||
padding-left: var(--space-lg);
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||||
margin-bottom: var(--space-md);
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||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
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||||
}
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||||
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||||
.content :global(li) {
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||||
margin-bottom: var(--space-xs);
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||||
}
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||||
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||||
.content :global(blockquote) {
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||||
border-left: 3px solid var(--color-accent);
|
||||
padding-left: var(--space-md);
|
||||
margin: var(--space-md) 0;
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
font-style: italic;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.content :global(hr) {
|
||||
border: none;
|
||||
border-top: 1px solid var(--color-surface);
|
||||
margin: var(--space-lg) 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.content :global(img) {
|
||||
max-width: 100%;
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||||
border-radius: 6px;
|
||||
margin: var(--space-md) 0;
|
||||
border: 1px solid var(--color-surface);
|
||||
display: block;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.content :global(figure) {
|
||||
margin: var(--space-md) 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.content :global(figcaption) {
|
||||
font-size: 0.8rem;
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
text-align: center;
|
||||
margin-top: var(--space-xs);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.footer {
|
||||
margin-top: var(--space-lg);
|
||||
text-align: center;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.footer p {
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
font-size: 0.85rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fade-in {
|
||||
animation: fadeIn 0.6s ease-out forwards;
|
||||
opacity: 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fade-in:nth-child(1) { animation-delay: 0.1s; }
|
||||
.fade-in:nth-child(2) { animation-delay: 0.2s; }
|
||||
.fade-in:nth-child(3) { animation-delay: 0.3s; }
|
||||
|
||||
@keyframes fadeIn {
|
||||
from {
|
||||
opacity: 0;
|
||||
transform: translateY(10px);
|
||||
}
|
||||
to {
|
||||
opacity: 1;
|
||||
transform: translateY(0);
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@media (max-width: 600px) {
|
||||
.container {
|
||||
padding: var(--space-md);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.title {
|
||||
font-size: 1.3rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.divider {
|
||||
font-size: 0.6rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@media (prefers-reduced-motion: reduce) {
|
||||
.matrix-bg {
|
||||
animation: none;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fade-in {
|
||||
animation: none;
|
||||
opacity: 1;
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
</style>
|
||||
@@ -0,0 +1,241 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
import BaseLayout from "../../layouts/BaseLayout.astro";
|
||||
import { getCollection } from "astro:content";
|
||||
|
||||
const posts = (await getCollection("blog", ({ data }) => !data.draft))
|
||||
.sort((a, b) => b.data.date.valueOf() - a.data.date.valueOf());
|
||||
|
||||
function formatDate(date: Date) {
|
||||
return date.toISOString().split("T")[0];
|
||||
}
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
<BaseLayout
|
||||
title="Blog — Hidden Den Cafe"
|
||||
description="Latte's blog. Thoughts, technical things, and whatever else is on my mind."
|
||||
>
|
||||
<div class="matrix-bg" aria-hidden="true"></div>
|
||||
|
||||
<main class="main">
|
||||
<div class="container">
|
||||
<header class="header fade-in">
|
||||
<p class="back"><a href="/">← back to home</a></p>
|
||||
<h1 class="title">Blog</h1>
|
||||
<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
|
||||
</header>
|
||||
|
||||
{posts.length === 0 ? (
|
||||
<section class="section fade-in">
|
||||
<p class="empty">No posts yet. Will get around to it.</p>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
) : (
|
||||
<section class="section fade-in">
|
||||
<ul class="post-list">
|
||||
{posts.map((post) => (
|
||||
<li class="post-item">
|
||||
<span class="post-date">{formatDate(post.data.date)}</span>
|
||||
<div class="post-info">
|
||||
<a href={`/blog/${post.slug}`} class="post-title">{post.data.title}</a>
|
||||
<p class="post-desc">{post.data.description}</p>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</li>
|
||||
))}
|
||||
</ul>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
)}
|
||||
|
||||
<footer class="footer fade-in">
|
||||
<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
|
||||
<p>Made with love by Latte</p>
|
||||
</footer>
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</main>
|
||||
</BaseLayout>
|
||||
|
||||
<style>
|
||||
.matrix-bg {
|
||||
position: fixed;
|
||||
top: 0;
|
||||
left: 0;
|
||||
width: 100%;
|
||||
height: 100%;
|
||||
z-index: -1;
|
||||
opacity: 0.03;
|
||||
background:
|
||||
linear-gradient(var(--color-accent) 1px, transparent 1px),
|
||||
linear-gradient(90deg, var(--color-accent) 1px, transparent 1px);
|
||||
background-size: 50px 50px;
|
||||
animation: grid-move 20s linear infinite;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@keyframes grid-move {
|
||||
0% { transform: translate(0, 0); }
|
||||
100% { transform: translate(50px, 50px); }
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.main {
|
||||
min-height: 100vh;
|
||||
display: flex;
|
||||
align-items: center;
|
||||
justify-content: center;
|
||||
padding: var(--space-lg) var(--space-md);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.container {
|
||||
max-width: 700px;
|
||||
width: 100%;
|
||||
background: rgba(30, 30, 46, 0.8);
|
||||
backdrop-filter: blur(10px);
|
||||
border: 1px solid var(--color-surface);
|
||||
border-radius: 8px;
|
||||
padding: var(--space-xl);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.header {
|
||||
margin-bottom: var(--space-lg);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.back {
|
||||
margin-bottom: var(--space-sm);
|
||||
font-size: 0.85rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.back a {
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.back a:hover {
|
||||
color: var(--color-accent);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.title {
|
||||
font-size: 2rem;
|
||||
font-weight: 700;
|
||||
letter-spacing: 2px;
|
||||
text-align: center;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.divider {
|
||||
color: var(--color-surface);
|
||||
text-align: center;
|
||||
font-size: 0.75rem;
|
||||
margin: var(--space-md) 0;
|
||||
user-select: none;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.section {
|
||||
margin: var(--space-md) 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-list {
|
||||
list-style: none;
|
||||
display: flex;
|
||||
flex-direction: column;
|
||||
gap: var(--space-md);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-item {
|
||||
display: flex;
|
||||
gap: var(--space-md);
|
||||
align-items: flex-start;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-date {
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
font-size: 0.8rem;
|
||||
white-space: nowrap;
|
||||
padding-top: 2px;
|
||||
min-width: 90px;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-info {
|
||||
display: flex;
|
||||
flex-direction: column;
|
||||
gap: var(--space-xs);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-title {
|
||||
color: var(--color-blue);
|
||||
font-size: 1rem;
|
||||
font-weight: 700;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-title:hover {
|
||||
color: var(--color-accent-bright);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-desc {
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
font-size: 0.85rem;
|
||||
line-height: 1.6;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.empty {
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
font-style: italic;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.footer {
|
||||
margin-top: var(--space-lg);
|
||||
text-align: center;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.footer p {
|
||||
color: var(--color-text-dim);
|
||||
font-size: 0.85rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fade-in {
|
||||
animation: fadeIn 0.6s ease-out forwards;
|
||||
opacity: 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fade-in:nth-child(1) { animation-delay: 0.1s; }
|
||||
.fade-in:nth-child(2) { animation-delay: 0.2s; }
|
||||
.fade-in:nth-child(3) { animation-delay: 0.3s; }
|
||||
|
||||
@keyframes fadeIn {
|
||||
from {
|
||||
opacity: 0;
|
||||
transform: translateY(10px);
|
||||
}
|
||||
to {
|
||||
opacity: 1;
|
||||
transform: translateY(0);
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@media (max-width: 600px) {
|
||||
.container {
|
||||
padding: var(--space-md);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.title {
|
||||
font-size: 1.5rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.divider {
|
||||
font-size: 0.6rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-item {
|
||||
flex-direction: column;
|
||||
gap: var(--space-xs);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-date {
|
||||
min-width: unset;
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@media (prefers-reduced-motion: reduce) {
|
||||
.matrix-bg {
|
||||
animation: none;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fade-in {
|
||||
animation: none;
|
||||
opacity: 1;
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
</style>
|
||||
@@ -111,6 +111,16 @@ if (now < new Date(now.getFullYear(), 6, 8)) age--;
|
||||
</div>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
|
||||
<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
|
||||
|
||||
<!-- Blog -->
|
||||
<section class="section fade-in">
|
||||
<h2>Blog</h2>
|
||||
<ul class="links">
|
||||
<li><a href="/blog">blog</a> — thoughts and things</li>
|
||||
</ul>
|
||||
</section>
|
||||
|
||||
<!-- Footer -->
|
||||
<footer class="footer fade-in">
|
||||
<div class="divider">══════════════════════════════</div>
|
||||
|
||||
Reference in New Issue
Block a user